If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
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CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!
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Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Friday, February 27, 2015
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Teacher to Student - what is pie by 4 quarter amplitude phase modulation? . Student - jimbak doomba amba dadi boomba . Teacher - i didn't get you . Student - same here babes.. same here..
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This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!
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A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
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Oh dear; see; distance has been erased; i'm here; i'm here; i'm here.. And the song is............
Thursday, February 26, 2015
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The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
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Boy : 12:00, Badlapur?? Girl : Done. Girl : Where are you? Boy : Mulund PVR , waiting for you Where are you? Girl : Badlapur station.
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A touching love story... WIFE: What would you do if i died? Would you get married again? Husband: No...how can I think of marrying? Wife- Why not? You would need company...for good and bad moments....please get married Husband: ...oh Shona...you are so sweet....even after death u r worrying about me... Wife: so promise me, u will remarry if I die... Husband: Ok, ok, i'd get married again...just for you Wife: Would you live in our house with your new Wife...? Husband:Yes, but will never let her use your room. Wife:Would you let her drive my car ? Husband: no... its yours...I will keep it as your memory...and buy new one.. Wife:Would you give her my jewelry? Husband: No..how can I... it has your memories attached I am sure she would want her own.. Wife: Would she wear my shoes..? Husband: No, never her size is '5', and yours is 7 Wife: --silence- Husband: 'Shiiit'...!!
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You leave them alone so that they miss you. Meanwhile, they just learn to live without you.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
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When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
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Maths teacher to student: If you have 1000/- in one pocket and 1000/- in other pocket, what would you think? Student: Main kithey apney peo di pant tey nai paa lai?
Monday, February 23, 2015
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
Sunday, February 22, 2015
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UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
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No matter how many of your wishes remain unfulfilled, if you have someone who loves you for being you, your life is worth living.
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You're lucky if you have someone who always tries to understand you, your mistakes, anger, stupid decisions and never gets angry with you..
Saturday, February 21, 2015
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Well, they do say opposites attract...so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.
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Weather keeps changing itself, so that people can have something to talk about with relatives.
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A suit for 4.3cr, this is how you get fooled when you don't check and compare price of clothes on different websites.
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Q. In which season people buy Car, TV or AC in India? A. Whenever their neighbours buy it.
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What we want is not what we need What we need is not what we love What we love is not what we live What we live is not what we want
Friday, February 20, 2015
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People do not change, they stop giving you time and preference in their life as soon as your role is over in their lives.
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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet?
Thursday, February 19, 2015
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There are only 10 types of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don’t.
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Men discovered trading and invented money. Women discovered money and invented shopping. There after Men have discovered and invented lots of things while Women STUCK TO SHOPPING.
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Your anxiety doesn't come from thinking about the future, it comes from trying to control it.
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Most people do not listen with an intent to understand. Most people listen with intent to reply.
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Bacha: Mummy tusi ta kehndi see pari udd di hundi a.., fer apni padosan aunty kyu ni udd di ? Mummy: Ohnu Pari kihne keha ? Bacha: Daddy ne . . . Mummy: Lai fer putar ajj uddegi pari vi te naale tera Peo v.....
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Psychology says - If your mind wanders often, there's a 85% chance that you're subconsciously unhappy with your life.
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*power cut* *quickly bathes in Tide detergent* *applies Fair n Lovely* *chews Happydent* *stands naked smiling* *LED companies go bankrupt*
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
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Men discovered word and invented conversation. Women discovered conversation and invented gossip.
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How important someone has to be before they can be ‘assassinated’ rather than just plain ‘murdered’?
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
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Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.
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Why doesn't someone invent a clear toaster so you can see how toasted your toast is while it's toasting?
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Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
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If your future self hasn't came back in time to tell you not to do it, then it's not a bad decision.
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Barbad Kar Diya Dono Ki LARAI Ne Mujhe, ISHQ Haar Nai Manta 0r DILL Baat Nai Manta - :Mishka!!
Monday, February 16, 2015
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Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
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Why toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Sunday, February 15, 2015
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I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
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Valentine Day! Couples are dating; Singles are scrolling, liking, commenting, sharing, retweeting, favoriting and updating!
Friday, February 13, 2015
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And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
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My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
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LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
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My favorite hello tune is HelloTuneCopyKarneKeLiyeSt arAur9DabayeMaasikShulk36 RupayeDownloadCharges15 ruHelloHaanHarryBol.
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Promise you .. You will laugh when you find your role model ! No cheating....Even I didn't believe at first; but was pleasantly surprised in the end! Simple maths...then scroll down and check. No peeking. Steps:1. Pick up your favorite number between 1 & 9. 2. Multiply it by 3. 3. Add 3 to that. 4. Again multiply by 3. 5. U will get a 2 or 3 digit number. 6. Add those digits together. Now scroll down....To That number u got in the end.. . . . See, who is Your role model. . . . .! 1. Mahatma Gandhi 2. Jawaharlal Nehru 3. Bhagat Singh 4. Amitabh Bachhan 5. Sachin Tendulkar 6. David Beckham 7. Narendra Modi 8. Rajnikant 9. Admin 10. M.S Dhoni Isn't that great!!
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
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WIN WIN for all parties in Delhi AAP: Achieved what they wanted- the govt BJP: Achieved what they wanted- Congress mukt Delhi CONG: Achieved what they wanted- to keep BJP out of power.
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Jab dost fail ho jaye toh bura lagta hai. Aur jab dost 1st aa jaye toh aur bhi bura lagta hai! ~ Kiran Bedi!
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My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
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My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
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LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
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My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
Monday, February 9, 2015
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One day... Morning 8.30AM, .... just woke up. My Nepali Cook Ram Prasad : "oo Saaab Ji, wo Motor kharaab ho gi." Me : (Extreme shocked ) "Arre yaar!! Naya Sayaapa, ab nahaunga kaise...??" Ram Prasad : "Bahar fek du Shaaab Ji ishe..." Me :" Arey pagal hai kya? Karwata hoon theek shaam ko.. Electrician plumber ko bulakar...." Ram Prasad : Thik hai Shaaab Ji... fir abhi Aalu me Motor ki jagah Gobbi daal du....??"
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LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
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My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
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My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
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LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
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इस संसार में कुछ ऐसी चीजें भी है जिन्हें हम बचपन से लेकर आज तक किताबों के अलावा सच में नहीं देख पाए है । . . . . . . . . . . . . जैसे "ठ" से ठठेरा - :Anuj!!
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My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
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LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
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Customer: Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup. Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
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Mai aur mera Kameenapan aksar ye baatein karte hain....ki bechaari Tanhaayi ko bhi kabhi chance diya jaaye baat karne ka.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
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Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup. Waiter: That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much.
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Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup. Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
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Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny. Waiter: Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?
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Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny. Waiter: Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?
Friday, February 6, 2015
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Iss message mein dimagh lagao. ___, ___ Intizaar kiya us ___ k liye, Woh ___ Aaya bhi to Ek ___ k liye, Ab har ___ Dua hai us ___ k liye, Kaash phir Aajaye woh ___ ik ___ k liye. Is 9 blanks mein aik hee word Aaye ga.
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Agar BANK Vale Film Banate Toh Wo Filmo Ke Kya Naam Rakhte... :- Pass Book Ho Na Ho, Hum Debit kar Chuke Sanam, Mere YaaR Ka loan Hai, Kash Aap Humare customer Hote, Me Deposit Ki Diwani Hu, Humara Bill Aap Ke Pass Hai, Kabhi RTGS Kabhi NEFT, Chq return Toh Hona Hi Tha, Balance vale DD le jayege : Salary naa badhegi dubara. and the last one . Ek tha Manager...
Thursday, February 5, 2015
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What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
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I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
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Agar ap ghar me akele baithe bore hote rehte hai toh jk wall putty lagwaye; Deeware bol uthengi; Fir khoob batiyana; Okebye..
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
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ट्रेन के अन्दर की भीड़ के 'चक्रव्यूह' को तोड़ने का जो कौशल इन "नमकीन व मूंगफली , बेचने वालो के पास होता है वो तो 'अभिमन्यु' के पास भी नहीं था... - :Anuj!!
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Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.
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शहर में चलते हुए सब को यही लगता है क्या कू ब कू दुश्मन कोई फिर घात में बैठा है क्या हाथ फैला कर यहाँ है हर कोई करता सवाल देखना मेरी लकीरों में लिखा पैसा है क्या कह रहा था इक सियासतदान इक तक़रीर में मुझ से भी ज़्यादा कहो चेहरा कोई उजला है क्या रास्तों से कह रहा था कल समुन्दर कुछ उदास मेरी नदियों को कहीं पर आप ने देखा है क्या पूछते थे एक दूजे से ये कुछ ख़ास आदमी यार बतलाओ कि यह आम आदमी होता है क्या ईश्वर भी इक बशर को देख कर हैरान था सोचता था यह बशर खाता है क्या पीता है क्या रूह-सी कोई भटकती आज भी इंजील में फिर कोई तालीम देना चाहता ईसा है क्या हो गया है यह वतन भी मिस्र के बाज़ार-सा आदमी से और ज़्यादा आज कुछ सस्ता है क्या इश्क में बहरे-रमल क्या और क्या बहरे हज़ज़, दर्द में कोई कहे मक़ता है क्या मतला है क्या - :Anuj!!
Monday, February 2, 2015
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Before Marriage Roses are red ,Sky is blue, U are beautiful, I love you. After Marriage Roses are dead, I have Flu Don't eat my head, Parre Marr Tu.
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Any change in your routine. Terrific one-liners: Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. Real friends are the ones who survive transition between address books. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak! Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come! Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins! Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it! Cheers !!!
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Solve It.... I am a 7 letter word. You read me daily. My 5 6 7 letter increase every year. 3 & 4 letter r same. My 3 2 5 letter cover 79% of the world. Reply if u r a genius...
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life is oneway road where,you can see back but,u can't go back so dont miss anything enjoy every second of life - :Anuj!!
Sunday, February 1, 2015
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*On railway station* Ticket Checker: Sir, ticket dikhao. Me: Aap kon? Ticket Checker: TC Me: Aapke dost GN aur SD kidar hai? *SLAPPED*
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Ariel makes new detergent powder with L'Oréal Paris. Name of that product would be called Lo'Ariel Paris.
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*Knock Knock *Kon ? *Postman ! *Kya hai ? *Chithiyan.. *Kya ? *Chithiyan.. Chithiyan.. *Kalaiyaan Ve.. Oh Baby Meri Chittiyan Kalaiyan Ve !
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