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Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain..

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Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday..

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Freak out your neighbors. Name your wifi "police thana"..

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I've finally reached the age where I can't function without my glasses...especially if they're empty..

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Never ask for directions from a starfish..

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I always mean what I say...I just don't always mean to say it out loud..

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My cooking is so awesome, even the smoke alarm cheers me on..

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Someone should invent an alarm clock that automatically reports you sick when you've pressed snooze 3 times..

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Arguing with my gf is like getting arrested. Anything you can can and will be used against you..

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That awkward moment when a Zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you..

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6 years of your life is spent dreaming dreams which you will no longer remember..

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Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking..

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I could be a morning person. If morning happened around noon..

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My chief contribution to society is being "The Worst Case Scenario."

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ਮਾਂ ਬੋਲੇ ਤਾਂ ਫਾਲਤੂ ਟੋਕਦੀ . ਜੇ ਓਸੇ ਗੱਲ ਨੂੰ ਟੋਕੇ ਮਾਸ਼ੂਕ, ਤਾਂ ਹਾਏ ਮੇਰੀ ਜਾਨ ਮੇਰਾ ਕਿੰਨਾ ਸੋਚਦੀ

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Heat makes things expand. So, I'm not overweight, I'm just a little too warm..

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I hate people who say 'Age is just a number' — Age is clearly a word..

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Some people can have all the lights on and still be in the dark..

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Lazy People Fact #5812672794: You were too lazy to read that number..

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Shoepidity... wearing ridiculously uncomfortable shoes just because they look good..

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When I argue with my gf, I always get the last word. It's just that sometimes she can't hear it..

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